Bed Rest

     Think about who you are for a moment. About your own wonderful and unique blend of God-given personality and the character that you've chosen to develop. Although many of this earth will behave in similar ways at times and you may find those that you share traits with, you are as one-of-a-kind as your thumbprint. My own personality combines my natural sanguine, free-floating spirit with a deep and fiery determination. The first time I ever read in history about the southern term "steel magnolias" it resonated with me. I found I could identify with the concept of someone being gracious, feminine, and ladylike and still having the backbone and grit to get things done when it mattered. At 15 I tore the stitches in my knee because I pushed through rehab so hard and also impressed my coaches at how quickly I was back on the court. In the PTA program I constantly heard classmates saying, "I don't know how you get it all done with all you have going on." My boss commented after one of the best April Fool's jokes I've ever managed to plan (that's a whole other story!), "you just don't give up, do you?" I grinned while shaking my head and said, "Nope. Not in my vocabulary."
     I come from a family of determined people. That's probably where a lot of it comes from. It's a mixture of optimistic "can-do" attitudes and a knowledge that sometimes sacrifices just have to be made to accomplish a goal. For me there was a lot of competition with my older brothers and trying to be seen as anything but the baby of the family. But there can be a darker side to this as well. You can only burn a candle from both ends for so long before both ends of the flame meet in the middle. Even steel will crack when exposed to too much pressure. And that is what has happened to me. My poor pregnant body has declared "enough!" I was hospitalized for two days last week due to high blood pressure, a potentially deadly condition in pregnancy known as preeclampsia. Even today with all the marvels of modern medicine there isn't much that doctors can do for prevention and treatment. They don't even know why some women come down with it and other don't. Currently I'm obeying my doctor's orders and doing the best that medicine can to keep both myself and my unborn child safe: restricting salt in my diet, taking blood pressure meds, and full-time bed rest.
     To say that I didn't struggle when my OB/GYN issued this edict would be a bald-faced lie. It felt like my world as I know it is coming to an end. Maybe a tad dramatic, I'll fess up to that, but it completely turned my life upside down. I'm used to constantly moving, coming and going, doing, being busy. What in the world am I supposed to do lying on the couch, and preferably on my left side? I've grown accustomed to feeling constant pressure from deadlines, house, children, responsibilities, and feeling that's just a part of my normal life. No surprise that my BP is high, I can often feel my pulse thudding in my neck and the base of my skull.
     In a conversation that my dad has had to repeat to two out of his three children, he related his own struggles with stress and blood pressure at a young age. About his doctor's warnings and the choices he had to make to become healthier.  In his early 20's my dad had to learn to stop and smell the roses more and to relax. And apparently that too is something that has to be learned in this family. Apparently I need to stop running and learn to sit and be content. Apparently I need to be more in the moment and stop worrying about what comes next. To stop depending on self so much, and rely on God.  To accept love and help from other people. Apparently  I have lessons to learn, children to cuddle and read to, things to mentally and emotionally let go of. Apparently this bed rest is going to be good for me for more than producing a healthy baby.

"B" Happy

Final grades are due to the registrar today, which means that I can view all my grades tomorrow. It's lovely to be able to see them immediately instead of waiting for the grades to be sent in the mail. Just another invention from our impatient society. :) Although I'm most likely going to be on the honor roll again, I thought it was time to reflect on a lesson I learned right after William was born and I had just started the PTA program.

"B" Happy

 So there it was in my hands, another graded exam. It wasn't bleeding red too badly, but just enough life had been drained from several of the problems that the score dropped to a B. Yet more proof that I'm a failure. B's are unacceptable when I'm capable of coming home with A's. Or at least that's what the perfectionistic and somewhat self-destroying internal voice whispers quietly. That insidious whisper intones "are you crazy? Who did you think you were kidding to be trying to go to school, commute a long distance, and be a wife and mother to two small children? You're nothing." Suddenly that voice's logic implodes on itself as I realize that the voice was right about the facts and wrong in the conclusion. I am overwhelmed, overloaded, and any other "over" that you can think of. Yet I am not a failure. The fact that I am able to accomplish this much and even pass my classes, much less ahead of class average, proves my success.

At times the voice is capable of being motivating, of pushing me to achieve all that I am capable of doing. Yet the voice is also stuck slightly behind the times, not realizing that priorities change and the 4.0 grade-point average and another certificate of being on the dean's list are not the only measurements that I judge anymore. Much more important are these: have I read to my children today, prayed for my family, have I done housekeeping basics, packed a lunch for my husband??? Have I tried my best with my limited time to learn that study material? I will admit that it is humbling to see anything less than a ninety on a paper, to worry that the teachers think I am not trying. But in the end life is about more than grades and will it really matter to my future employers or patients that my diploma says "with highest honors?" The grades that I truly want are of more lasting significance; a good relationship with my Savior, my husband, children, and my friends. So I'm going to take that exam and be proud of that grade instead of ashamed. I'm going to be thankful that God is allowing me to do this well period and praise Him for providing for my family. Tomorrow when another grade is handed back, it might still sting if I don't receive an A, but I will not be devestated. I'm going to thank God for all the people praying me through this.