Thursday, January 31, 2013

Not in my plans

     This was not the pregnancy that I had planned. I was going to keep running 3-6 miles, 3 times a week. I was playing volleyball. I was going to be the picture of health this time. Then my achilles tendon ruptured with a sickening pop. As if the forcible removal of all fun things physical combined with the limping and subsequent backache weren't bad enough, then the blood pressure started climbing. Preeclampsia. Once was enough already and not what I wanted again.
     Now I'm sitting in the doctor's office afraid to move lest my nose start spurting blood again. Idly I wonder how much blood loss equals one of the daily iron supplements my OB recently added to my daily regimen. Shoot! I forgot it this morning. Need to remember to take when I get home... I can't tell if my headache is from the blood pressure that spiked this morning or from my severe sinus infection. this and getting sent home from work this morning. This was not in my plan either.
     I worry. A lot. Too much. I worry about how I will pay the bills if I'm put on bed rest. I worry about my body, whether it's killing my baby. I worry about being a mom to my two wonderful boys and whether all of this is taking time away from them. As I feel my pulse pound way too quickly in my neck, I worry that I won't be able to carry her to full term.
     Then from inside a small kick pulls me out of my musings. She's active for a few minutes, kicking bones and bladder indiscriminately. My precious little girl is, for the moment, doing all right. And her tiny taps, which are constantly growing stronger, remind me of God's grace. Of his goodness. Of the fact that He gives enough for today, for this moment. That He is taking care of me and of my family. To not cross the line from planning into worry. His grace, his unmerited favor and love, is enough. And that's been the theme of this pregnancy. To trust in God's grace every day and depend on His strength. And to thank God for the amazing family, church family, and coworkers and I'm surrounded with who are supporting me and praying for me.

 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

1 comment:

  1. So sorry you are having such a tough time. Please let me know if you need anything. I can take the boys if you need some time to rest. Just let me know.