"B" HappySo there it was in my hands, another graded exam. It wasn't bleeding red too badly, but just enough life had been drained from several of the problems that the score dropped to a B. Yet more proof that I'm a failure. B's are unacceptable when I'm capable of coming home with A's. Or at least that's what the perfectionistic and somewhat self-destroying internal voice whispers quietly. That insidious whisper intones "are you crazy? Who did you think you were kidding to be trying to go to school, commute a long distance, and be a wife and mother to two small children? You're nothing." Suddenly that voice's logic implodes on itself as I realize that the voice was right about the facts and wrong in the conclusion. I am overwhelmed, overloaded, and any other "over" that you can think of. Yet I am not a failure. The fact that I am able to accomplish this much and even pass my classes, much less ahead of class average, proves my success.
At times the voice is capable of being motivating, of pushing me to achieve all that I am capable of doing. Yet the voice is also stuck slightly behind the times, not realizing that priorities change and the 4.0 grade-point average and another certificate of being on the dean's list are not the only measurements that I judge anymore. Much more important are these: have I read to my children today, prayed for my family, have I done housekeeping basics, packed a lunch for my husband??? Have I tried my best with my limited time to learn that study material? I will admit that it is humbling to see anything less than a ninety on a paper, to worry that the teachers think I am not trying. But in the end life is about more than grades and will it really matter to my future employers or patients that my diploma says "with highest honors?" The grades that I truly want are of more lasting significance; a good relationship with my Savior, my husband, children, and my friends. So I'm going to take that exam and be proud of that grade instead of ashamed. I'm going to be thankful that God is allowing me to do this well period and praise Him for providing for my family. Tomorrow when another grade is handed back, it might still sting if I don't receive an A, but I will not be devestated. I'm going to thank God for all the people praying me through this.