Saturday, January 10, 2009

Calming the anxiety

This was originally posted on my Myspace blog, but since I bare use that anymore, I decided to repost so that I don't forget it.

The day could have actually been a lot worse, I suppose. I got some of the laundry done, managed to get Ryan to his grandmother's house without forgetting anything, I had actually made it to work on time (and without getting a ticket).We met all our selling goals at work, got all of shipment finished, and nobody called in sick, Somehow I still felt more stressed after I clocked out than when I had started the day this morning. The drive home is actually a pretty nice drive and the deep rumble of the truck is usually soothing. Tonight, though, the rumble was irritating as it meant that I had to sit in an empty parking lot for 10 minutes to wait while the diesel warmed to a safe driving temperature.

Wait, while my son sat in his aunt's arms instead of mine. Wait, while the dishes sat in the sink. Wait, while my dog thinks that I've forgotten him and I can't even remember the last time I had half an hour to spend with my husband. Wait, and with all that time to think, I still can't figure out how to change any of the problems in my life. Wait, while I sit and calculate how much sleep I'm actually going to get after rocking Ryan to sleep and then waking up early to take him to his grandmother's so that I can open the store the next day.

The engine raised its pitch, signalling that it was ready for action. I greeted the change in tone much like a child greets the bell at the end of a school day, eagerly putting it into gear. It was dark and I had the lonely country roads all to myself. The speaker system in the truck is quite nice and was blaring all sorts of jarring commercials with quality. Do the radio stations program commercials in sync? Tired of flipping uselessly, I settled on a station to wait (again) until music came on. The drive was definitely not soothing my nerves.

Then cutting through the background noise with a commanding quietness, I heard these words sung softly"I'm finding myself at a loss for words /And the funny thing is it's okay. The last thing I need is to be heard /But to hear what You would say." The spinning in my head slowed a bit. "Word of God speak/ Would You pour down like rain /Washing my eyes to see Your majesty"

After rounding a corner, I leftt behind the knots of trees planted by the road. With not a cloud in sight, the entire sky opened up to reveal the stars displayed in a deep, velvet darkness. It was breathtaking, humbling, and inspiring at the same time. "To be still and know /That You're in this place /Please let me stay and rest In Your holiness"To be still, soul and all. To calm my frazzled emotions. To rest in my Savior and Sustainer. "I'm finding myself in the midst of You Beyond the music, beyond the noise" My grip on the steering wheel had relaxed by now, as had my shoulders and jaw. "All that I need is to be with You /And in the quiet hear Your voice" If I can just learn to be still and listen to His voice... I know that's possible... For tonight, for a few moments, I relaxed in His love, thanked Him for what He's provided and let go of my expectations. Tomorrow, as I have been reminded, I have someone to help me through it all.

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